How Can I Help an Abused Woman?
What Should I Do?
She Doesn’t Listen To My Advice, Should I Give Up? |
If you suspect that your daughter, sister, friend, or loved one is being abused, what can you do to help? In order to help, it is very important that you understand the dynamics of domestic violence. It really has everything to do with power and control. |
The following information is taken from the book:
“Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men” by Lundy Bancroft
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| 1. Do Not Pressure Her |
Be patient. Remember that it takes time for an abused woman to sort out her confusion and figure out how to handle her situation. It is not helpful for her to try to follow your timetable for when she should stand up to her partner, leave him, call the police, or whatever step you want her to take. You need to respect her judgment regarding when she is ready to take action—something the abuser never does. |
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2. Do Not Talk Down To Her |
Address her as an equal. Avoid all traces of condescension or superior knowledge in your voice. This caution applies just as much or more to professionals. If you speak to an abused woman as if you are smarter or wiser than she is, or as if she is going through something that could never happen to you, then you inadvertently confirm exactly what the abuser has been telling her, which is that she is beneath him. Remember, your actions speak louder then your words. |
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3. Remember, She Knows What is Best For Her, Better Than You Do |
Treat her as the expert on her own life. Don’t assume that you know what she needs to do. Advice that you think is exactly right, may turn out to be terrible for her. Ask her what she thinks might work and, without pressuring her, offer suggestions, respecting her explanations for why certain courses of action would not be helpful. DON’T TELL HER WHAT TO DO. |
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| 4. Listen More, Talk Less |
The temptation may be great to convince her what a “jerk” he is, to analyze his motives, to give her speeches about what to do. But talking too much inadvertently communicates to her that your thoughts are more important than hers, which is exactly how the abuser treats her. If you want her to value her own feelings and opinions, then you have to show her that you value them. |
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| 5. Let Her Control Her Life |
Respect her right to self-determination. She is entitled to make decisions that are not exactly what you would choose, including the decision to stay with her abusive partner or to return to him after a separation. You can’t convince a woman that her life belongs to her if you are simultaneously acting like it belongs to you. STAY BY HER EVEN WHEN SHE MAKES CHOICES THAT YOU DON’T LIKE. |
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| 6. Assume That She Understands Her Children and Their Needs. |
Assume that she is a competent, caring mother. Remember that there is no simple way to determine what is best for the children of an abused woman. Even if she leaves the abuser, the children’s problems are not necessarily over, and sometimes abusers actually create worse difficulties for the children post-separation than before. You cannot help her to find the best path for her children unless you have a realistic grasp of the complicated set of choices that face her. |
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| 7. Think With Her, Not For Her |
Don’t assume the role of teacher or rescuer. Instead, join forces with her as a respectful and equal team member. |
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Finally, no matter how frustrated you get at her, do not put her down. Getting out of an abusive relationship can extend over a long period of time. |
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5 Things to Say to a Victim Reluctant to Leave a Violent Situation or to a Victim Who is Returning to a Violent Situation |
“I am afraid for your safety”
“I am afraid for the safety of your children”
“It will only get worse”
“I am here for you when you are ready to leave”
“You deserve better than this” |
- Domestic Violence Intervention Service, Inc.
www.DVIS.org
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For more information on how to help an abused woman and how to deal with your frustrations during the process, following is a list of reading material: |
Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft |
| Helping Her Get Free by Susan Brewster |
| To Be an Anchor in the Storm: A Guide For Families and Friends of Abused Women by Susan Brewster |
